This Mom's 4 a.m. Poem to Her "F*cking Asleep" Husband Is Too Hilarious Not to Share
Since having kids, I've tried to enforce a rule to never get mad at my husband while he's unconscious. I'd be up in the middle of the night nursing a baby, and he'd be sound asleep. I'd be up changing a dirty diaper, and he'd be snoring blissfully. I'd be coaxing a fussy toddler back to bed, and my husband? Yep, he'd be deep in dreamland. It drove me insane to see how he could carry on with his REM cycle while two kids were shrieking, but I did my best not to add my own shrieking to the mix. It'd take every ounce of depleted energy I had to keep from pushing him off the bed entirely.
With that in mind, I don't know where this mom got the creative fuel — never mind the emotional restraint — to pen a poem about her sleeping husband instead of screaming obscenities at him.
Caroline Olling Andersen — who just started a Mommy Poet Facebook page — lives in Dubai with her 2-month-old baby and her husband, and at roughly 4 a.m. one night, she penned a whopping seven-stanza poem titled "Daddy's Asleep." Although it was written to her daughter, it was clearly meant to be read by her partner — you know, the guy who "farts, rolls over, and continues to snore" as your poor mother "mops vomit off the floor."
Behold, one of the greatest poems a tired mom could ever read. Be sure to share with your well-slept partners!
I love your daddy, I really do,
After all, without daddy, I wouldn't have you.
But from midnight till sunrise, it's just you and I.
And as each hour passes, I'm not gonna lie:
Mommy's love slowly fades, becomes angry and weak,
Because no matter what, your dad is f***ing asleep!It all starts out lovely. We kiss each other goodnight.
We look lovingly down at you dear, such a beautiful sight.
An hour later, mommy wakes with a start.
You're twisting and turning, you're starting to fart.
You're gesturing for food. Mommy is there
with a bottle or breast
Daddy is snoring away, the way he knows best.Mommy burps you, and holds you and rocks you with care.
You spew foul smelling yogurt on mommy's freshly washed hair.
As mommy changes her shirt, and mops vomit off the floor.
Your daddy farts, rolls over and continues to snore.Mommy's maternal alarm goes off, it's not even three!
You're stirring again, you're hungry and staring at me!
"I think she is hungry" your daddy offers, pulls duvet over his head,
Mommy sends him a death stare and rolls out of bed.
Mommy comes back, tired and drained and what is this I see?
Your daddy has taken over my side, doesn't give a f*** about me!Mommy kicks him and pushes him angrily away.
"What's up love?" He moans in a lovingly way.
Your daddy has no clue he is under attack.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my back.
And just as my love for daddy is back on the rise,
You start to coo in your crib and open your eyes.
And daddy gently nudges me to attend to your need.
I give him the finger as I prepare for a feed.But as the sun starts rising, the slate is wiped clear.
I'm back to full love for your daddy and for you my dear.
I forget that daddy sleeps while you cry and you poo.
It's back to kissing and hugging and doting on you.Soon you'll grow up and be daddy's little girl.
You'll not remember me cleaning up shit and vomit hurl.
Whilst you sit on his lap and he sings you a song,
You'll love him and think daddy could do nothing wrong.
But my sweet love, here is a poem for you to keep,
So you know that all those long nights, dad was f***ing asleep!