8 Important — and Hilarious — Things That Happen in Colton's First Episode of The Bachelor

Well, you guys, it's here: Colton Underwood's season of The Bachelor has officially arrived, and yes, the drama is already simmering.

The 23rd season of the dating reality show premiered on Monday night, bringing with it plenty of awkward introductions filmed in some of the contestants' hometowns; some, uh, unique entrances out of the limo; an adorable, very poofy puppy; and, of course, the introduction of a villain (who happens to be said puppy's owner, coincidentally). Oh, and did I forget to mention the unpopped cherry in the room? That's right — Colton's virginity comes up quite a bit in the premiere . . . to the point where the word "virginity" completely lost all meaning for me by the end of the three-hour-long episode. (That's right — three hours of people repeatedly joking about taking his v-card! That's what I endured!)

If you're still salty about Colton and Tia breaking up on Bachelor in Paradise and couldn't bring yourself to watch the first step in his journey to find love, or if you just want to get a little closer to figuring out who Colton will eventually jump over a fence for, have no fear — I went ahead and broke down the biggest moments of the premiere just for you.

Meet the Cast!
ABC

Meet the Cast!

Season 23's cast is a treat, y'all. Right off the bat we meet ladies like Miss Alabama, aka Hannah B., who's only ever kissed four guys but is not a virgin. Then there's 22-year-old Heather, a self-described "beach girl" who's never kissed any guys and is a virgin. Also in the mix is a dental hygienist named Kirpa who says she hopes Colton flosses and feels it would be a "good experience to clean Colton's teeth." I hope that's a euphemism.

There are tons of other great intros, but a personal favorite comes from a very confident Texan named Demi, an interior designer who lays out why she's concerned that Colton is a virgin with a very delicious-sounding metaphor: "If you've only ever tried a vanilla cupcake, how do you know you don't like chocolate cupcakes? You gotta try out all the cupcakes first to know what you really want." (For the record, she defines herself as "confetti cake.")

And Meet the . . . Sloth?
ABC

And Meet the . . . Sloth?

The limo entrances in this season are truly something to behold. Sure, you might be used to the typical stunts, like showing up in a horse-drawn carriage (which one woman does, naturally) or having a cutesy pun planned, but have you ever seen a contestant roll up in a sloth costume? And then stay in character for the entire introduction? Translation: walking and speaking to Colton in the slowwwwwwwwest wayyyyyyyyy posssssssibleeeeee — as well as inside the house (at one point the sloth, aka Alex D., hangs from one of the trees by the pool). David and his chicken costume could never.

In addition to the sloth, there's also the welcoming of Brianna "Bri" Barnes, who uses a fake Australian accent to win over Colton, as well as Caitlin, who pops a cherry-shaped balloon in Colton's face. (Which I'm honestly still laughing about because it's so rude.) Anyway, let the highly manipulative romantic games begin!

How Often Does Colton's Virginity Come Up? A LOT
ABC

How Often Does Colton's Virginity Come Up? A LOT

Yeah, so Colton's virginity comes up approximately . . . oh, I don't know . . . 6 billion or so times throughout the premiere. It's constantly discussed — to the point where I began to suspect that Chris Harrison was hovering just off camera in every scene, waving a big pack of Magnums to remind the women to mention it.

So, in addition to the girl who aggressively pops the cherry in front of him, another contestant, Katie, performs a card trick after getting out of the limo that ends in her taking his "v-card." Then, inside the mansion, the ladies get restless and Erika, a 25-year-old recruiter whose claim to fame is that she gives Colton a big sack of nuts when she steps out of the limo earlier in the episode (her last name is McNutt), asks Colton to sit down and explain why he's a virgin to her.

He tells her: "Growing up, it was a conscious decision at first. Then I started diving deep into my professional career, and my personal life took a back seat. And now that it's happened, I'm not just gonna randomly lose it in a one-night stand."

Colton's Mention of Becca
ABC

Colton's Mention of Becca

For the most part, the episode is so concerned with the fact that Colton has never had sex that it pretty much ignores his relationships with former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin and his on-and-off relationship with Tia Booth. The season's leading man addresses the issue head-on in a toast to his contestants shortly after they all arrive at the mansion, in which he promises he's there for the right reasons.

"I fell in love with Becca, and while that didn't work out, I'm so grateful because it led me here to you tonight," he explains. "I know there [are] people who said I might not be ready for this. But I'm here, standing in front of all of you to let you know I'm so ready, so excited for all of this. One thing I promise you is that I'll stay true to you and be open and honest. And that's all I ask in return is openness and honesty."

So. Many. Antics.
ABC

So. Many. Antics.

As Colton gets to know the women throughout the night, there are a few sweet, quiet interactions in front of the mansion's many fireplaces and gazebos. (Am I the only one who feels like there are approximately 600 gazebos on this property? Or . . . ?!) But then there's also Sydney, who has him dance with her in the driveway in front of an orchestra. And don't forget about Tayshia, who builds her very own "Tayshia Land" so that she and Colton can play carnival games. Elyse, a makeup artist, tells Colton that she's from Alaska and therefore has him "fish" a real, floppy piece of salmon out of the chlorinated pool (I have an irrational fear of fish, so I'm personally disgusted, but hey, I guess this move worked for Garrett on The Bachelorette). There's also the highly anticipated moment when Alex, aka the sloth, takes off her costume and reveals that she's gorgeous and also speaks at the speed of light.

A Villain Emerges
ABC

A Villain Emerges

It's immediately clear that Catherine, a 26-year-old DJ from Florida, is not to be trusted when she gets out of the limo and proceeds to hand over her Pomeranian, Lucy, to Colton so that he can take care of the dog for the duration of Catherine's stay on the show. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is all a funny gag staged by producers, but if it's not . . . well, at least we all have those shots of Chris Harrison taking Lucy out to pee in our minds forever.

But anyway, back to Catherine. Though she's soft-spoken, she isn't afraid to steal Colton away from the other contestants. And then steal him again. And again. And again. "I'm sorry; I just really think we need to finish our conversation," she repeatedly tells the other women, who get more and more furious throughout the night.

Finally Onyeka, a 24-year-old IT risk consultant (an apt profession for this interaction, I must say), pulls Catherine aside to let her know everyone in the house straight up hates her is a little peeved at her disrespectful behavior. (Note: this happens after Onyeka steals Colton from Catherine by barging into their conversation with a snorkeling mask and yelling, "Colton, I heard you were drowning in some b*tches, so I came to save you!") Despite her chat with Onyeka, Catherine continues stealing Colton at every turn, instantly labeling herself as this season's villain.

The First Kisses
ABC

The First Kisses

Caelynn, who happens to be Miss North Carolina 2018, is the first woman Colton kisses during the premiere, after they bond over how mature they are for their age. (She tells the camera afterward that "he kisses very well for a virgin.") Colton also makes out with Katie (above), Sydney, and, lastly, Hannah G. — who he says he didn't want to stop kissing.

The First-Impression Rose Goes To . . .
ABC

The First-Impression Rose Goes To . . .

Hannah G., a 23-year-old content creator from Alabama, wins Colton's first-impression rose. He pulls her aside and says she reminds him of home, and he likes how they bonded over their shared nervousness and that she "owned her imperfections." Pretty cute — not gonna lie! "It's so easy and fun to be around you," he adds. "Your energy instantly lifts me up." (This is when they start making out, FYI.)

Who Got Eliminated?
ABC

Who Got Eliminated?

While unsurprising favorites like Caelynn, Katie, Hannah G., and more got a rose, a few unlucky ladies got sent tearfully packing: Revian, Alex D., Laura, Erin, Adrianne, Tahzjuan, and Devin.

All I can say is if next week is even half as dramatic as the premiere, we have a long and thrilling season ahead of us.