Dos and Don'ts of Parenting: Practical Pointers For Rookies

If you want to see a child stop dead in their tracks, then by all means explain that the dinner she is chowing on is secretly laced with onions, mushrooms, and spinach.

Source: Flickr user Donnie Ray Jones

Breakfast cupcakes instead of muffins. Baby trees instead of broccoli. Turtle juice instead of a kale smoothie. And when it comes to meat, always say it's chicken.

Source: Flickr user David Dennis

Source: Flickr user Dana

Without actually lying to him about it.

Source: Flickr user Toshimasa Ishibashi

Guess who can't read time yet? Small children. This means that, unless you want them to have a meltdown upon hearing the word "early," then Mama is the only one who needs to know what time they are actually going to bed.

Source: Flickr user Kelly Sikkema

And by crazy I mean toddlers.

Source: Flickr user Andrea

When dropping off a child at preschool, and said child asks when you'll be back, the answer is always, "Mommy will be right back." Not after Mommy gets her nails done, not after Mommy cleans the house, not after Mommy takes a nap . . .

Source: Flickr user David D

Nine out of 10 seasoned parents know that the ice cream truck only plays music when it's all sold out of ice cream (wink, wink).

Source: Flickr user Ezra Wolfe

Unless, of course, you really want to work on your patience for the remainder of your errand.

Source: Flickr user Doug Waldron

. . . or anytime when your baby has just fallen asleep. The same goes for coughs.

Source: Flickr user mcfarlandmo

Especially, and I can't stress this enough, if he asks you to open your mouth at the same time.

Source: Flickr user Alex O

In an attempt to get a group of kids to smile for a picture, I absent stupidly shouted, "Everyone say Poopy!" Big mistake. Huge. All the kids took the use of the word and ran with it. (Though I will say, I did get the shot.)

Source: Flickr user ActiveSteve

Because, karma.

Source: Flickr user MissMessie

The same goes for anyone who gifts squeaky shoes, recorders, drums, and that ridiculous guitar that makes music in the form of barking dogs.

Source: Flickr user Michael Bentley

Kids are creatures of habit, so routine is good. But adding a little something extra (like saying goodnight to all your kiddo's stuffed animals) may mean you'll have to do it for months to come. Tread lightly, my friend.

Source: Flickr user Mark Baylor

Or at school. Or at Grandma's. Never when she is in sight.

Source: Flickr user Kurt Nordstrom

One time my 5-year old asked me, "Mommy, how come they put Justin Bieber in jail?" A moment of panic went through my brain, and I raced through how I was going to talk to her about the negatives of drinking and drugs and how bad decisions can ruin your life. And while I was planning and thinking this was way too young to be having this conversation, she followed up with, "I mean, a beaver would be able to crawl through the bars, right?" Crisis averted. "You're so right, honey, it's silly to put a beaver in jail."

Source: Flickr user bp6316

Allow me to demonstrate. "Daddy, how are babies made?" Pause. "Well honey, how do you think babies are made?"

Source: Flickr user bark

You may agree or disagree with everything on this list, but one thing we can all agree on is that parenting is a crazy journey — and I don't know about you, but I choose to have fun along the way, which means I've got to laugh at my mommy self!

Source: Flickr user Dan Lundberg