Here's Why You Should Argue in Front of Your Kids, Even Though Experts Advise Against It

If you never fight in front of your kids, they'll grow up with this warped sense of reality wherein parents never disagree and everything is a-OK all the time. Although they'll witness other people fighting, whether adults or kids their own age, they are bound to follow by the example you set for them. When they have fights in their future relationships, they might assume that they're not a match with the person, or worse, may feel like they're somehow a problem because they're disagreeing with their partner — something you and their other parent never did in front of them.

It's important — not just for relationships, either — that kids know it's OK to have varying opinions and beliefs than others. And if those differences in thought lead to a disagreement, that's totally fine and totally normal. Which brings us to the next point . . .

Although keeping attitudes and interactions positive and loving around kids is important, you don't want to shield them from the reality that people fight, as it's just part of life and especially a part of relationships. As Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, PhD, puts it: "Conflict provides an opportunity for making change — if both partners are up for it. Conflict gives you a chance to work on the problems in your relationship."

By having disagreements in front of them that then get resolved, you are showing them that a happy couple doesn't have to be perfect and that they aren't always going to agree.

If your kids are really little and you're concerned that they'll become upset by seeing you and your partner fight, take a page out of Diana Divecha's, PhD, book. "When [our daughters] were preschoolers and interrupted our disagreements with concern, my husband and I would smile and reassure them with our special code: I held my fingers an inch apart and reminded them that the fight was this big, but that the love was this big — and I held my arms wide open," she wrote.

One of the worst things a person can do is bottle up their emotions, anger, and frustrations until it all becomes too much and they explode over everything all at once. Those blowouts of my parents' that I mentioned earlier? Yup, results of bottling everything up and then not being able to handle the rush of feelings. I can say firsthand that it's not the best idea to subject your kids to that type of behavior.

You want to be able to let out the things that bother or upset you in real time, even if your kids are around. It provides models for them to verbalize their anger rather than squash their feelings because they think that they can't address them.

Not every disagreement comes to an easy resolution, but after fighting in front of your kids, you'll become much more aware of the way you solve your issues. Ask yourself: what behavior would you like your child to emulate when they have disagreements with their siblings, friends, or partners? Most of us would probably agree that solving the issue in some manner is the best outcome, so if you'd like them to be able to come to a resolution in their own arguments, model that for them and be sure to always reach that point with your partner.

A 2009 study by researchers at the University of Rochester and Notre Dame that looked at children ages 5 to 7 found that "the ones whose parents argued constructively felt more emotionally safe," and over the next three years, those kids were friendlier and "showed greater empathy and concern for others."

And if you really can't agree on something with your child's other parent, model being able to agree to disagree, then put the disagreement to rest rather than continuing to bring it up if you know you'll never come to an agreement on the topic.

Even though I wish my parents wouldn't have had their huge fights in front of me, as those never really came to resolutions any time soon after, seeing those arguments actually taught me about what I don't want out of my own relationships, both romantic and platonic. However, it's important to note that you can go too far with fighting in front of your children. Some kids who come from "high-conflict homes" tend to have extra vigilance when it comes to processing emotions, which "could lead to problems in social relationships later in life."

None of us is perfect — if you do end up having one of those huge fights with your partner in front of the kids, be sure to chat with them about it afterward. Let them know why the fight was so big (if it's because you bottled up your feelings for too long or simply lost your temper), how you solved (or plan to solve) the issue, and what you would have done differently if you could go back. By talking it out with them, they are able to process the way they feel and ask questions.

All a child wants is to know that their family is happy and intact, so if you can get them to that point after a fight like this, they'll hopefully feel better for having to see it. Dr. Mark Cummings, psychologist at Notre Dame University, says, "When kids witness a fight and see the parents resolving it, they're actually happier than they were before they saw it. It reassures kids that parents can work things through . . . Constructive conflict is associated with better outcomes over time."