Dear Candy Canes,
You know the famous tale about how the Grinch stole Christmas? Well, I think it was actually you. I mean, first of all, just look at you. You put on such a front. You're so nicely wrapped and packaged that no one would ever think you'd cause such misery. You hang so nicely from Christmas tree branches, over the tops of stockings, and are the perfect finishing touch to any holiday present. You smell good. You come in an assortment of colors — the traditional red and white peppermint is my personal favorite — and (mostly good) flavors. And you're, I'll admit, delicious. Yes, you are the quintessential holiday symbol and treat. But while you scream holiday cheer, you put parents everywhere into a state of madness. And I mean madness.
How many parents have found remnants of you in the most unusual spots in their homes? After a seemingly innocent trip to the mall to meet Santa Claus or a family gathering with generous aunts and uncles, your sweet treats get sucked on for a few minutes before they're dropped or forgotten. I can't tell you how many old, nasty pieces of you I've found in the back of our car during the holiday season (and in the months after). I basically have to pry you off my kids' car seats with pliers for crying out loud! I've found you in their beds (sneaky little stinkers) and the worst place of all, the dryer. Yes, somehow the remnants of you made it through the wash cycle and into the dryer, only to be smudged all over my son's jeans, ruining the rest of that load of laundry.
Thanks a lot.
Did I mention the stickiness? DID I?! Parents of toddlers everywhere loathe the site of you, you red-and-white-striped holiday cheer stealer. Instead of our sweet children calmly enjoying you as a treat, we're left chasing them around and wiping their fingers and mouths at all times making sure they don't touch Aunt Suzy's new white couch. And parents all know that having a daughter takes things to a whole different level. My daughter has gotten many of you caught in her hair. It takes forever to get you out without cutting her beautiful locks! So. Much. Screaming.
So, candy canes, while you may look nice, you definitely belong on the naughty list. You're a hindrance to our holiday cheer. No, you're a holiday cheer bandit. If you can somehow get a hold of all of your sticky behavior, maybe, just maybe, I'll let you enter my home again. But until then, you're staying the hell out of my kids' stockings, our Christmas tree, and my daughter's hair.
The Grinchiest Mom Out There