Mom of three Brittany Berry recently found herself in a particularly stinky situation after her daughter Sadie had the mother of all diaper blowouts while at the local playground. In a now-viral Facebook post, she shared the details about what happened, and frankly, I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe.
"Today after I picked up Sadie from school we went to the flood wall so I could run and they could play at the park afterwards," she wrote. "After my run, I'm sitting at the picnic table, exhausted, drenched in sweat, watching my babies play, vowing to join them as soon as I rest up. At one point Sadie goes down the slide and then walks in front of me and I see 'wet' shorts. I think, OK she's peed out of her diaper, no big deal."
Brittany couldn't have been more wrong. As she approached her daughter she realized it wasn't only poop but a lot of it.
"I start to change her and I realize it's a poop-trophe," she said. "I'm talking on of them poops you usually see in a newborn, where it's all up then back and down their legs and you contemplate just throwing the whole baby away. Still, I'm not panicked. Been there, done that, multiple times."
"I get a diaper and wipes, the wipes feel light," she explained. "I start cleaning her up and there's only FOUR wipes. This isn't a four wipe kind of poop it's pressure washer or open fire hydrant kind of poop. So I start looking for more wipes in the van. At this point, Sadie's just standing there naked in an empty parking lot with poop up her back in her hair, down her legs to her knees, even on her shoes, because taking her clothes off did not go as smoothly as one would hope."
"There's no way I'm leaving my kid's slug trail of possibly contagious feces on this playground so some other kid can get sick."
"I turn my back, frantically searching for more wipes. Nothing. I had just cleaned out the van yesterday. I got out any and all extraneous wipes, clothes, everything," she wrote. "I know there's no other wipes in there, but I search anyway. Then I hear it, that painful SQQQUUUEEEAAAKKKKK of skin getting stuck to a plastic slide. I look up and yes, of course, it's Sadie. She's going down the slide, butt-naked, COVERED in poop, leaving a long skid mark of poop allllllll the way down on her way."
After chasing down her other kiddos, Brittany knew she needed to get out of there fast. However, she knew she couldn't possibly leave poop all over the play equipment in a public park. So she did what any responsible parent would do: attempt to clean it up.
Leaving the poop there was not an option, first of all it's poop, gross and needs cleaned up regardless. But second of all, my other daughter is home deathly ill with a stomach virus. What if Sadie's getting that virus? There's no way I'm leaving my kid's slug trail of possibly contagious feces on this playground so some other kid can get sick. We live maybe five minutes from the park, so I rush home grab Clorox wipes, that are conveniently on my porch because I had used them yesterday to clean a few parts on the van, then rush back.
We get there and there's still no one else at the park. I park on the gravel right by the slide, leave the van running with the A/C on, leave the babies buckled in, and go to clean the slide and rails. Easier said than done.
Yep, confirmed that cleaning sh*t off a playground slide is no easy feat.
"I got the bottom and the main top easily, but the middle of the slide I could not reach," she explained. "I tried to climb up it, but was unsuccessful. Keep in mind I'm REALLY out of shape and just ran a mile and a half. It's 90 degrees, I'm WEAK, uncoordinated. To say I was struggling would an understatement."
Determined, Brittany took an unconventional approach to getting the job done.
Eventually, I get the brilliant idea to go down the slide and wipe as I go. Instead of risking a head injury I decide to go down feet first, on my stomach, holding on to the side to slow myself down with one hand and wiping with the other. This was not easy. I did not look elegant or attractive, I'm sure. I'm 254 pounds of sweaty fat flopping around this children's slide like a fish out of water.
When I get to the bottom, I'm finally satisfied with my cleaning job. I turn and see a car parked, a family, all of them with glaring at me. I don't know how long they were there. I never heard them pull up. They never got out of the car. I genuinely think they were afraid of me — after all — I was an overweight seemingly childless adult, on children's playground equipment.
Mortified, Brittany beelined to her car only to make a gruesome discovery. "Now dying of embarrassment, I rush to throw away my wipes and get in the van. I look down and realize there's poop all over my shirt," she wrote. "Of course, I went down feet first. My clothes got the bulk of the poop. I am NOT getting that on my seat belt. I am not getting a ticket or dying from not wearing a seat belt, no matter how short the drive. I do the only thing I can think to do: I drive home in my bra. That family is scarred for life I'm sure."
Now that she's home, Brittany is able to have a good laugh about the whole ordeal and has some advice for parents: "Always bring extra wipes, extra clothes, extra blankets, extra everything! Don't clean out your car, ever. And if you aren't mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared to roll around in another person's feces, use a condom."