18 Reasons I Wish I Could Wear a Hazmat Suit (All the Time)

Updated on 8/14/2015 at 6:54 PM

As the daughter of a nurse and a safety officer, I'd like to think I know a thing or two about injury and illness prevention. When it comes to cold and flu season, I'm especially vigilant because I do not have time to be sick (and I'm sure you don't either). So behold, a few tips I have to avoid germs and stay your healthiest all year.

Hand sanitizer is my life.

I have hand sanitizer in my purse, my room, my car, my bathroom, and my desk at work. I use it all the time because it's necessary. I also buy it in bulk, because I'm fiscally responsible.

I use it after touching anything on the bus.

Have you seen what people do on the bus?! You don't even want to know the things I've seen.

I use it after pumping gas.

Did you know those things rarely get cleaned? You touch it and then you get in your car and touch everything in there, your face, your phone, your bag . . . eeewwwww.

I use it after shaking hands.

No offense, but I don't know you or where you've been.

Public restrooms are my nightmare.

Bathrooms are havens for germs. I don't even use public bathrooms if I can get away with it.

I use my foot to flush.

You should absolutely not be using your hand to touch the flusher in a public restroom. People have pooped and then touched that. Do you want to touch their poop?!

I put the toilet seat down BEFORE flushing (if possible).

If I can't, then I hold my breath. Why? Three words: flying fecal matter. I don't want to inhale your sh*t. No way.

I get out of the bathroom like this.

Any of these ways is acceptable. Touching the handle and not sanitizing is not.

I don't bring anything I plan on consuming into the bathroom with me.

That stuff is going into my mouth, and everything in a bathroom needs to stay the hell away from my mouth.

When it comes to my house, the nastiness stays outside.

There is a map that shows how likely you are to step in poop in San Francisco, and it's really freaking gross. Action has to be taken to keep my home safe.

I immediately change into clean clothes when I get home.

I do not sit on my bed in them, and I do not wander around the house in them. I get them away from me and my sanctuary.

I immediately take off my shoes when I get home.

I don't even touch the bottoms, ever. See poop map mentioned a few slides ago.

I clean off my phone because it's one of the grossest things I own.

Phones are gross. They've done studies. Scrub. Them.

I use hand wipes to clean off my purse.

Because it's been out with me and ew.

Trust me when I say I have seen how gross people are.

Please generally stay away from me if you're gross.

I hold my breath when people sneeze.

Way too many people don't even bother to cover their mouth or nose when they sneeze. I don't need to breathe your germy particles, thank you very much.

I don't get anything out of a bulk bin if it's just sitting out in the open.

People stick their hands all up in bulk bins. So no bulk candy, nuts, rice, etc. for me because I'm not interested in basically licking your hands.

I refuse to use public water fountains.

This happens. People do this. With their mouths. *cringe*

This has been a public service announcement. Stay clean.

Please and thank you.