Masturbation is a time to be with yourself, giving that body and mind some love and experiencing pleasure by your own hand. Yet sometimes it's fun to throw a partner into the mix. Not only will your partner totally get off by watching you orgasm, but it'll also be quite the educational lesson, so they'll know just what you like in bed, too. If you're shy, know you're not alone, as it can take some getting used to. Solo time is generally a pretty private, intimate experience for yourself. If you do step outside your comfort zone and give this a try, here are a few tips to make it super hot and wild.
Set the Mood Right
Put some thought into how to set the mood before getting right down to it. "Talk about your hopes and expectations beforehand. For example, some couples like starting with lower lighting or a candle to avoid feeling 'on stage' or spectatoring," says Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, sexologist, and licensed marriage and family therapist for Adam & Eve to POPSUGAR.
Lights on or off really depends on the couple's comfort. Couples that don't mind lights on for sex will likely not mind for mutual masturbation, she says. "In my office as a sex therapist, I would say most couples have some sort of lighting, from moderate to dim, but usually not very bright. I get couples to meet in the middle by putting the lightness on a metaphoric dimmer from 1 to 10 and finding the average number between their two numbers," she says. Experiment and see what works best for you both.
Bring in Toys
Set up all your accessories and toys ahead of time. Then you can have fun doing "show and tell" before getting started, she says. As for the toys, you can't go wrong with a good vibrator, like Satisfyer Pro 2 ($70) or the Tryst Multi-Erogenous Silicone Massager($142) for women. For the latter, women can use it all over the body, as it has vibrating arms that feel amazing everywhere. Try them on your nipples, then work your way down, surrounding your clit with the two vibrating arms. Or insert them for incredible G-spot stimulation.
For men, try a vibrating stroker, like the All in Stroker ($30), which can help him get off with something more interesting than his hand, or OptiMALE Vibrating Stroker in Frost ($54). The latter is made with ultra-plush Ultraskyn material that even warms to the touch and also offers an optional removable vibrating bullet that slips into a pocket in the stroker, adding incredible humming sensations that drive him over the edge.
Go with what's a true winner for you when picking toys, though. "The best toy is the one you always use. Like teaching someone to drive, using your own car allows for maximum comfort. So, use your tried-and-true toy to show off the pleasure you know how to generate when alone," she says.
If you're using toys or need a little help getting naturally lubricated during masturbation, try some lube. Silicone lube goes best with silicone toys, she says. "I think silicone is better than water-based because it has a longer shelf life when using for an erotic activity, but water-based is great too if condoms are involved," she says.
Switch the Format
Alternate with a few different formats. Watch your partner get off while you rest, to really take it all in and see how they pleasure themselves, and then join in or trade roles. This brings variety and provides more educational perks, she says. You can also both go at the same time or use vibrators on each other, such as using a wand vibrator, like a Joy Stick Rechargeable Wand ($60). "Try a little of each. Watching, participating, or helping a partner all qualify as mutual masturbation," she says.
Have a Mix Between Romance and Spice
It's great to have a balance between romance to stay connected to each other and deepen the bond, and also some spice, to make it super sexy and erotic. "Try watching something erotic together to get aroused and/or break the ice. This can range from a romantic comedy to more traditional porn," she says. You can also try playing a sexy board game together to get in the mood, she says. It can also bring in some humor and decrease pressure, if you and your partner are nervous. "Have fun and be playful. If this feels intimidating in any manner, breaking the ice with some laughter and playfulness will help increase the fun factor," she says.
Try Some Positions
It's all about the positions for a great masturbation session, too, as you want deeper access that's stimulating and comfortable. Try these:
- Lie side by side on the bed or floor. If comfortable on the floor, try lying on a fluffy lambskin throw rug for extra sensuality. This shouldn't be a "typical" location; it should be different and out of any routine spot where you engage in sexual activity.
- Stand face to face in the shower, or one person facing the shower wall. Play with using the shower head and water pressure for extra genital pleasure.
- Sit Kama Sutra style facing one another, legs wrapped around each other's back. Play here with touching yourself and touching each other. This position encourages eye contact between partners and can deliver a closer emotional connection during sex.
Try it out tonight. "The biggest benefit of mutual masturbation is the ability to learn firsthand how your partner likes to pleasure him or herself. It doesn't get more straightforward and experiential than this," she says. Plus, there's no threat of STIs or unplanned pregnancy, which is always a win.