Guys, STOP Posting These Pictures on Dating Apps Before It's Too Late

What they want us to get from it: I LIFT WEIGHTS! I am strong! I am like the bionic man! I can afford an Equinox membership! If you get in trouble I can use my muscles to help!

What we actually get from it: Good God, how much time do you spend at the gym? Do you do anything else? Has your brain evaporated? How do you actually own that tank top? Who took this picture??

What they want us to get from it: I’m fun! See how funny I am. Just being hilarious in this funny costume that 3,000 other people are also wearing today. I hope I still look hot. I hope she knows this is a fake beer gut and not a real one. Mainly.

What we actually get from it: Hot guy in a Santa outfit? Groundbreaking. So original I might pass out. NEXT!

What they want us to get from it: I’m so versatile. I can play sports wherever we go. I hope your parents have a second home on a mountain or a lake so that I can demonstrate how well I can slide around on a plastic board.

What we actually get from it: Mmhmm I see you can ski. Cool me too.

What they want us to get from it: I’m open to having kids! In the very distant future! I sort of like kids! I hope she knows this is my niece and not my illegitimate child! Women love kids!

What we actually get from it: Ugh that poor kid looks miserable. Why do all men think we are obsessed with becoming immediately impregnated? I am working on my career right now, but thanks, try again later.

What they want us to get from it: I’m still fun! Even though I’m getting slammed at work and cry in the bathroom cubicle sometimes — I AM STILL FUN. I had three beers on Saturday! Before going home to watch Netflix, but still. I am fun!

What we actually get from it: Ugh, so immature. I don’t care that you can chug beers; do you know what’s happening in Syria? Do you know where Syria is? Probably not. Frat boy.

What they want us to get from it: I’m grown up! I like to travel! I hope she doesn’t notice this is from four years ago when I went on study abroad!

What we actually get from it: Oh look, you visited the Eiffel Tower. Well done, you. You’re so cultured! Ah, there you are standing in front of the Parthenon looking like James Bond himself.

What they want us to get from it: Look! Look! I clean up nice! I am a reliable and fun wedding date! I will get you drinks and carry your heels when you get tired! I am fancy sometimes!

What we actually get from it: Did you, in fact, buy that suit in 1985? Good God, look at the size of the pants! You’re swimming in them! You don’t have a dad bod, but it sure looks like it in that outfit. Also, why is your tie so enormous? Does it double as a magic carpet? Why is it bright purple?