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Should I Have a Threesome?

5 Things to Consider Before Having a Threesome While in a Relationship

If you're about to have a threesome, you might want to consider a few things before jumping right into bed. A threesome can be super fun and exciting, but it can also change a relationship, for better or worse. (Either way, things will be different.)

So if you're in a relationship or you're having a threesome with people that you know, you'll want to think things over first and communicate any anxieties you might have.

For instance, though the thought of a threesome is exciting — and it definitely can be a fun addition and experience for a couple — it can also conjure up feelings, whether they be of jealousy, intimacy toward the "third" partner, or just plain awkwardness if it didn't go as planned.

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So you'll want to plan accordingly and be on the same page. Here are a few steps to take.

Pick Your Magical Match, Together

Who might that lucky person be? Either way, make sure both you and your partner are OK with the chosen one. Surprisingly, this is a lot trickier than it sounds, and many couples realize they are not on the same page.

"Do you and your partner want to include a trusted friend, a casual acquaintance, someone you randomly meet somewhere like a bar or the gym, or have the anonymity of a stranger you contact online? Often, this decision is based on what comes after the threesome and whether the couple wants a one-and-done evening or a long-term relationship with the third person," says Tino Dietrich, sex expert and CEO and founder of Ella Paradis.

Know Its Purpose and Rulebook

Why are you having a threesome, exactly? Define the purpose so you're both aware of how it'll affect the relationship.

"Is it about novelty, adventure, a deeper sense of connection to your partner, a same-sex experience, or all the above? It is absolutely necessary to talk about expectations if they are going to be met. Having a threesome without prior discussion often results in hurt feelings or arguments," says Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist (CST), and licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

As for rules? They surely apply here. It isn't as simple as "the three of us will just hook up."

Things you need to discuss: "penis-vagina intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, kissing, and anything else that may be on the table," says Richmond, as well as who can take part in these activities with whom. For instance, she adds, "Some couples start slowly and keep the sexual acts that are most special to them reserved just for each other. And some don't, and everything is game."

Other important rules to consider: what happens afterwards. Will you stay in touch? Is it OK for one partner to communicate with the third person without the other person knowing about it? Can two of the three people get together without the third? Discuss these things first to save yourself from arguments later.

How to Be Safe

Enter: condoms, please. And maybe you should request that your third person get an STD test, too. Safety is a top priority. A tip? Make grabbing condoms easier (however many you'll end up needing here) by keeping a condom box by the bed, say sex experts at Unbound. Try this one: Condom Box ($16).

"Every couple has their own preference about this. If they are having a threesome with someone they know and have been in open conversation with, they may ask for testing — all three people would share their test results. Or, for couples who are more spontaneous, condoms may be enough assurance. I've seen many couples have vastly different needs around protecting themselves and the relationship, so again, it needs to be part of a discussion prior to the threesome," says Richmond.

How Kinky Do You Want to Get?

It's important to explore each person's preferences for toys and kinks prior to a threesome. Some people assume their favorite toy — or bondage gear — is fine, but it may not be. And if you need a vibrator to orgasm, share that with the new person so he or she knows what to expect.

A few ways to spice things up with bondage: Silk Bondage Rope ($14), Doc Johnson's Platinum Cuffs ($25), or 50 Positions of Bondage ($6).

What's more, if toys are OK, is sharing them OK? Maybe personal ones are better, says Richmond.

"Or maybe your boyfriend has a strong foot fetish. He probably won't be able to keep that under wraps during a new, exciting experience, so it's always best to disclose if he's comfortable sharing that information. The idea here is the fewer surprises, the better," Richmond adds.

A few fun ways to get kinkier: the iVibe Select iWand Body Wand ($162), 50 Shades Darker Principles of Lust Romance Couples Kit ($46), and the We-Vibe Sync Couples Toy ($200).

Be Self-Aware

And, lastly, know yourself. If you're the jealous type, would a threesome work for you?

"Often, it's hard to know until you've done it, and in some cases by then it's too late and your jealousy is raging. Most of the time a couple can recover, but I have seen some instances where it ended the relationship — that is the absolute opposite outcome you should be striving for by spicing up your sex life with a threesome," says Richmond.

A tip? If you have been jealous in the past or have enough self-awareness to recognize you are often jealous now, a threesome may not be the best for your ego or relationship.

Image Source: Pixabay / Pexels
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