Woody Allen on Love, Sex, and Everything in Between

Harry Block: "You know, I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage."

Joan: "Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?"

Harry Block: "No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying."

Joan: "You're an atheist, Harry!"

Isaac Davis: "I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."

Alvy Singer: "A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

Virgil: "After 15 minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse."

Mike: "I love you, Joey."

Joey: "Why do you stick with me? I give you nothing but grief!"

Judy: "You use sex to express every emotion except love."

Helen Sinclair: "Make love to me."

David Shayne: "Here? Now?"

Helen Sinclair: "I see no reason to wait."

David Shayne: "Jerome Kern is on the other side of the door."

Helen Sinclair: "Yes, he's a wonderful composer. You'll have to meet him. Now hang up your pants."

Halley Reed: "He wants to produce something of mine."

Clifford Stern: "Yeah. Your first child."

Juan Antonio: "Maria Elena used to say that only unfulfilled love can be romantic."

Nancy: "You're immature, Fielding."

Fielding Mellish: "How am I immature?"

Nancy: "Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually."

Fielding Mellish: "Yeah, but what other ways?"

Sonja: "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

Joe: "In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee."

Nola Rice: "Men always seem to wonder. They think I'd be something very special."

Christopher Wilton: "And are you?"

Nola Rice: "Well, no one's ever asked for their money back."

Elliot: "God, she's beautiful. She's got the prettiest eyes. She looks so sexy in that sweater. I just want to be alone with her and hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and take care of her. Stop it you idiot, she's your wife's sister. But I can't help it. I'm consumed by her. It's been months now. I dream about her, I, I, I think about her at the office. Oh Lee, what am I gonna do? I hear myself moaning over you and it's disgusting. Before, when she squeezed past me at the doorway and I smelt that perfume on the back of her neck — Jesus, I, I thought I was gonna swoon. Easy! You're a dignified financial advisor. It doesn't look good for you to swoon."

Luna Schlosser: "So then, what do you believe in?"

Miles Monroe: "Sex and death — two things that come once in a lifetime — but at least after death, you're not nauseous."

Ariel: "How's your marriage?"

Andrew: "My marriage is fine."

Ariel: "Ya? . . ."

Andrew: "It's not working but it's fine."

Sondra Pransky: "I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him someday."

Sid Waterman: "You come from an orthodox family, would they accept a serial killer?"

Nicole Oliver: "I can't have sex with you! My body belongs to my husband and there is no way that I could betray him in that way. But what I do from the neck up is a different story."

Hobie: "I think it'd be only fair to tell you. I'm a Liberal."

Stacey: "Oh. Are you talking politically, or in the bedroom?"

Hobie: "I was talking politically. In the bedroom I'm a left-wing Liberal."

Phil Moscowitz: "I thought you said you loved me!"

Wing Fat: "I love you in my own way."

Helena Shebritch: "My husband walked out on me for one simple reason. I was too honest with him. I refused to allow him to delude himself."

Monica: "You will never understand women."

Jasmine: "You choose losers because that's what you think you deserve, and that's why you'll never have a better life."