5 Tips For Teaching Your Partner How to Give Better Oral Sex
How to Help Your Partner Give Better Oral Sex
Receiving oral sex is a lot like eating sushi. When it's bad, it's bad; but when it's good, it's good. So what do you do when your partner doesn't know how to give oral the way you want it? While you may love and appreciate the effort, it's OK if you want to tweak their technique a bit to make sure you get the most pleasure possible — or at the very least, enjoy it.
But if you're wondering how, exactly, to communicate your needs with your partner, you've come to the right place. Though you may be worried about hurting your partner's feelings or bruising their ego, know that they should be (and probably are!) interested in knowing how to do oral sex in the best way so you really enjoy it. While an orgasm doesn't have to be the goal of any type of sex, if you have one, that's a win for both you and your partner — and should be treated as such.
So in order to help you communicate to your partner exactly how to give oral sex and what you want, we spoke with a few experts. They offer up tips and tricks that should help guide both you and your partner in the right direction. But before we dive into it, applaud yourself for knowing what you need and being comfortable enough to share that with your partner. The easy part awaits.
Tips For Communicating Your Needs Around Oral Sex
1. Use Your Words
It's important to first realize that you should talk! "You absolutely have the right to have the kind of sex that you want," Searah Deysach, long-time sex educator and owner of Early to Bed, tells POPSUGAR. "Honestly, just speak up!" Deysach recommends using encouraging words over restricting words while guiding your partner to change speed or location to match what works for you. Meaning, tell them what you do like and what works for you, rather than telling them what they're doing wrong. Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, SKYN sex and intimacy expert, and author of "All the F*cking Mistakes," agrees it's important to be verbal during oral sex. "It's OK to say, 'Can you move a bit to the left?,' or, 'That feels really good, keep doing that!,' during sex," she explains. "Most people do want some guidance, especially when they aren't used to your particular body."
In addition to guidance, feedback is key. "Be a compass for them, guiding them with short directions or directing them with your hands, and then reinforce them with positive feedback right away," says Megwyn White, certified clinical sexologist and director of education for Satisfyer. "Take note of your voice, expression, and breath, as they often provide important feedback loops that partners respond to."
2. Use Your Hips
If you're not comfortable verbalizing what you want, body language can be just as powerful. "Nonverbal cues can go a long way," says Engle, who says communication is a cornerstone of every single sexual experience. But it's important nothing gets lost in translation, so don't be afraid to be direct. "Move your body in a way that may position your partner in a more pleasurable spot," White says. "Lift your hips if you want them to explore a lower angle, and feel free to sensually direct their head." Deysach echoes the importance of being clear about what you want so as to not leave anything too vague for your partner. "Gently move their face with your hands, put your hand on your vulva or clitoris, and show them the spot you want it, spread your labia with your hands to give your lover better access, or raise up your hips to meet their mouth," she says. "You can totally use your body to get your point across."
3. Discuss It Outside the Bedroom
If your gentle guidance and body cues aren't doing the trick, it may be time for an actual conversation. This discussion might need to take place outside the bedroom. "Because sex is such a vulnerable thing full of ego, it can be deflating when someone says you're not doing something right," Engle explains. "If you're naked, it's even more uncomfortable." Deysach agrees and says you should be gentle when approaching the subject: "You have a better chance of a warm reception if you use 'I' statements and don't come out swinging." White recommends leading with a positive first by highlighting what they did that was different, fun, or enjoyable, then suggesting something new that you know you would enjoy. "It's important to frame your thoughts less as a criticism and more as a curiosity," she says. "Rather than talking about what they're doing wrong, try encouraging your partner to do something different, so instead of 'I don't like it when you do . . . ,' try, 'I'm curious to see what it feels like to . . . '"
If that conversation seems too uncomfortable for you, Engle suggests sexting your partner as a way to drop technique hints, as you can describe to them in detail what you want in a way that's meant to turn them on, not bring them down. You can text them something like, "I loved when you did this to me last night, but maybe we should try this tonight . . . " with a wink emoji.
4. Don't Fake It
Experts agree that whatever you do, don't fake an orgasm. "Faking orgasms leads a partner to believe that what they're doing is working when it isn't," Engle explains. "It will lead to more faked orgasms because they will keep on doing the thing you didn't like because you've pretended to like it."
White agrees that pretending to climax creates a negative and unsatisfying pattern. "Oftentimes, people get used to faking their orgasms, and it becomes a default," she says. "When you are open and honest with your partner, it's a win for both of you and will ultimately help support your intimacy as a whole."
If you've never been able to orgasm from oral sex, Deysach recommends telling your partner beforehand to manage expectations. "If you start by taking the pressure off yourself to orgasm, you might even find that you are able to relax and enjoy the activity more, and they may feel less like they didn't perform well if it ends with no O."
5. Explore Together
Keep in mind that while you may think you've mastered what works for your body, you don't know what you don't know. Get curious about your body, and encourage your partner to as well. "A common mistake is only focusing on one area and not exploring more of the entire vulva," White says. "Changing it up can offer a deeper release."
Above all, remember that all good things — and good sex — come with time. "It just takes some practice and patience for both you and a partner to get in sync with each other's bodies, especially if you don't have the same body parts," Engle explains.
— Additional reporting by Taylor Andrews