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I Learned How to Masturbate and Had a Squirting Orgasm

After My Divorce, I Learned How to Masturbate — and Had the Best Orgasm of My Life

I Learned How to Masturbate After My Divorce

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For a long time, masturbation was never my thing. I tried playing with my fingers, adding lube, watching porn, using sex toys, and even imagining random sexy scenarios in my head, but nothing ever led to an orgasm. Maybe it never happened for me because I didn't really know what I was doing, or maybe it was because I just simply didn't turn myself on in the way my partners did. But eventually, I gave up on the idea of "self-love" entirely.

It got to the point that, during sex, I would depend on my partners to get me off — something that could make me feel like an anomaly, given that nearly half of straight women struggle to orgasm from partnered intercourse. Fortunately, my husband made me orgasm more than enough times to make me happy.

But while my husband and I were great in the bedroom, we were not so great in our relationship. We ended up divorcing, which was sad and difficult for a number of reasons — including the fact that after our split, my pleasure became nonexistent overnight. I would try to masturbate, desperate for an orgasm — desperate for any sense of pleasure at all, really — but I would feel nothing.

At first, I turned to dating apps, hoping for a quick fix. And although I met some hot people, I found that casual sex didn't work for me either. I was comfortable sleeping with strangers, but I wasn't comfortable enough to lose my inhibitions enough to fully orgasm.

I wasn't yet ready to get into a new, more serious relationship, and while I recognize that having an orgasm is not the be-all and end-all to good sex, I was sexually frustrated and desperate to feel something again. So after a couple of orgasm-less hookups, I finally googled how to masturbate.

Strange as it may seem, I had avoided looking this up on the internet before; it seemed nerdy and unnecessary — which, looking back, are not the best reasons to have deprived myself of this particular information. But I'd always relied on instinct and porn to teach me how to have sex, so I thought it would be, or should be, just as easy with masturbation. It wasn't. I was at the point where I was willing to read anyone's advice to get back my O face.

After a couple of orgasm-less hookups, I finally googled how to masturbate. I was at the point where I was willing to read anyone's advice to get back my O face.

One night, I found an article that explained how to masturbate to orgasm using a masturbation technique that I had never tried and one that made perfect sense. The article explained that all I had to do was put two fingers inside my vagina and move them in a "come-hither" motion, while rubbing my clitoris with the palm of the same hand. The article explained that this way, the G-spot would be engaged, and an orgasm would be inevitable. I had a good feeling about this approach.

Shortly after reading, I got undressed, sat on the edge of my bed, plugged in my earphones to listen to my favorite porn clip, and followed the above instructions. I started fingering myself slowly, but the motion soon became quicker, more urgent. The tingly sensations in my vagina felt so good that I quickened my pace with closed eyes. Listening to the actors moan in the video made me even more wet, which was a first — I usually needed visual stimulation to get to this level of arousal.

Soon, I began to feel a throbbing pulse in my vagina, and I knew what was coming next: an orgasm. As the pulse increased, I thrusted my hips faster and imagined I were riding someone. And then, it happened. The throbs made way for otherworldly euphoria. The orgasm had come back into my life — all without a partner. It felt so good, I had to experience another. I continued moving my fingers with the same intensity I started with.

This time, the pulsations came more quickly and increased. I didn't know what was happening when it did, but all of a sudden, there was an explosion of liquid on my bedsheet. I felt the wetness, but I was so high on the orgasm that I kept going until I felt a string of muscle spasms in my groin, at which point I came up for air again.

I opened my eyes to see a small puddle of something under my fingers. At first, I was confused because I thought I had peed on the bed. But then, it dawned on me: the liquid was squirt. Honestly, I felt like a superhero. I had never squirted before and had long wanted to experience it at least once. Spent and satisfied, I fell asleep shortly after.

Four years since my first squirting experience, I am now officially spoiled by self-induced orgasms and squirting. It's been a game changer, both for my relationship with my body and my relationship to partnered sex: I now choose to hook up with people only when I want to and not because I have to in order to orgasm.

At this point in my life, I actually prefer to masturbate. It gives me an afterglow and makes me feel sexually satisfied in a way that no man has ever made me feel. And, being in complete control of my own pleasure is a great feeling. I no longer have to rely on other people to meed my sexual needs and enjoy myself in bed, and that's something I never thought I'd be able to say.

Image Sources: Getty / HARDIK PANDYA Issarawat Tattong MarisaLia; Unsplash Sincerely Media and Photo Illustration: Patricia O’Connor
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