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Jimmy Kimmel's 2018 Oscars Monologue

Every Scathing Joke From Jimmy Kimmel's Oscars Monologue

HOLLYWOOD, CA - MARCH 04:  Host Jimmy Kimmel speaks onstage during the 90th Annual Academy Awards at the Dolby Theatre at Hollywood & Highland Center on March 4, 2018 in Hollywood, California.  (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Jimmy Kimmel returned to the Oscars stage on Sunday night for his second year of hosting duties. Having had an entire year to recover from the infamous best picture mix-up of 2017, Kimmel didn't hold back whatsoever during his joke-packed monologue. From scathing digs at Harvey Weinstein and other predators in Hollywood, to playful commentary about the night's biggest nominees, Kimmel nailed it.

  • "This year, when you hear your name called, don't get up right away. Give us a minute. Because last year we had a thing." — On 2017's best picture mix-up
  • "Last year about a week before the show, the producers asked if I wanted to do comedy with the accountants. I said, 'No, I don't want to do comedy with the accountants.' Then, the accountants went ahead and did comedy on their own." — On the two PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants responsible for the mistake
  • "Oscar is 90 years old tonight, which means he's probably at home watching Fox News." — On the Academy's epic milestone
  • "Oscar is the most beloved man in Hollywood, and there's a very good reason why. Just look at him! He keeps his hands where you can see them, he never says a rude word, and most importantly, no penis at all. He's literally a statue of limitations. That's the kind of men we need more of in this town." — On Hollywood's sexual assault and harassment problem
  • "Here's how clueless Hollywood is about men. We made a movie called What Women Want and it starred Mel Gibson. That's kind of all you need to know." — On Hollywood's sexual assault and harassment problem, again
  • "The Academy took action to expel Harvey Weinstein from their ranks. There were a lot of great nominees, but Harvey deserved it the most. The Academy kicked him out, and after they did, I was curious, so I looked it up: the only other person to be expelled from the Academy, ever, was a character actor named Carmine Caridi. He was kicked out for sharing screeners. Carmine Caridi had the same punishment as Harvey Weinstein for giving his neighbor a copy of Seabiscuit on VHS." — On Harvey Weinstein being kicked out of the Academy for sexually assaulting and harassing a number of women in Hollywood
  • "If we are successful here, if we can work together to stop sexual harassment in the workplace, if we can do that, women will only have to deal with harassment all the time in every other place they go." — On the Time's Up movement
  • "Black Panther and Wonder Woman were massive hits, which is almost miraculous. I remember a time when the major studios didn't believe a woman or a minority could open a superhero movie. The reason I remember that time is because it was March of last year." — On Black Panther and Wonder Woman's history-making success
  • "We have a very long way to go for equal pay, especially when you look at what happened with Mark Wahlberg and Michelle Williams . . . Mark was paid $1.5 million for reshoots, while Michelle Williams, for her reshoots, she was paid per diem. She got $80 a day for the same thing . . . To his credit, Mark Wahlberg announced he'd be donating all $1.5 million to the Time's Up legal defense fund. I guess now the ball's in your court, Michelle! What are you gonna do with that $80?" — On the All the Money in the World salary controversy
  • "None other than President Trump called Get Out the best three-quarters of a movie this year." — On Get Out
  • "Margot Robbie had a great year. Margot scored her first nomination for her portrayal of Tonya Harding in I, Tonya. Whose kneecaps did Tonya have to break to get this dream casting? If they made a movie about my life, best case scenario I'd be played by Jim Belushi." — On Margot Robbie's starring role in the Tonya Harding biopic I, Tonya
  • "We don't make films like Call Me By Your Name for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence." — On the vice president's homophobia
  • "How does Lin Manuel-Miranda compare to the real Alexander Hamilton?" — To Christopher Plummer, the oldest Oscar nominee ever.
  • "Meryl's film career began in 1977, and the longest she ever went without being nominated was from 1992 to 1995. And that's only because those were the years she was in prison." — On Meryl Streep's incredible number of Oscar nominations
  • "This will always be remembered as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish." — On Oscar nominee The Shape of Water
Image Source: Getty / Kevin Winter
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