35 Honest and Funny Reasons Being Married Is the Freakin' Best

Don't want to go to that boring event that your coworker keeps inviting you to despite your clear avoidance of the issue for weeks? Cough — "I think my husband is sick" — cough.

Keys, wallet, and other mysterious items that always seems to fall into a hole in the universe can usually be found by your spouse, who just knows where everything is.

Listen — everyone farts. Everyone also needs someone to blame them on, and a spouse is the perfect culprit.

When you're stranded in the bathroom with your pants around your ankles, just know that handing you a new roll of toilet paper is basically what spouses were invented for.

Did you know that there's a right and a wrong way to squeeze toothpaste onto the brush? Well, your spouse probably does, and they'll be sure to tell you.

Ah, dating. That necessary evil to get to being married. But let's be real — no one is missing random get-togethers with people who only talk about themselves on a first date.

Should you still shave when married? I mean, probably. Are you going to? No, no you're not.

Of course, I would never tell someone to throw a dirty diaper at someone, but occasionally you may need to "toss" someone a diaper, and that someone has signed paperwork saying they'll never leave you.

Watching a shared show means that you have someone to bore with your theories all week long.

Marriage in part is the understanding that you have a sexual partner for life, meaning you don't have to troll the bars anymore. Score (literally)!

Chances are your partner is better at some of the things you're not very good at, like cooking or assembling the TV.

You know what I don't want to do? Garden. Thankfully, my husband has picked up this chore, since there wasn't any way I was going to be picking up a spade anytime soon.

A sense of humor is integral to a happy marriage, and thankfully, your partner thinks your jokes are just the right amount of cheesy.

Even though you have a meticulous shopping list, every time they go with you, you find a hundred things you "forgot" to add. Now you've been at the store for hours and you basically live there.

While it would be great to leave the kids to their own devices, someone should probably watch them if you're gonna bust out that new bath bomb you've been dying to use.

Making the bed can take up a valuable 30 seconds of your morning, and having a spouse means you get to allocate that task.

While you may never sleep again like you did prebaby, being married at least gives you the opportunity for the occasional shut-eye.

Do you know why the word "mangoes" is so funny? Neither do I, but that couple over there has been laughing hysterically for 10 minutes at the mere mention of the tropical fruit.

Even though you've worked through every last drop of your hair gel, that wonderful spouse of yours still has a full stash.

Since most recipes are made for four people, having a spouse definitely helps even that out.

"See, Aunt Janet? I found someone who loves me! Now stop asking about my personal life."

With a happy marriage, there's comfort in the word "forever." Together, you have a partner for the rest of your life, which should sounds less like a threat and more like encouragement.