12 Things You Can Totally Blame on Your Kids
Raising kids ain't easy. From the first bout of morning sickness, parenting will test your limits in countless ways. But everyone knows that kids have a tendency to throw a wrench in things sometimes, and therefore, you can use that to your advantage — because children, and all the issues that can come along with them, make the ultimate excuse for just about everything. And nobody asks any questions.
It comes in handy for situations like . . .
- Gaining that extra 15 pounds. My kids are soooo wasteful. How can I just throw out all those half-eaten chicken nuggets?! (Also, I raid their candy haul at every holiday. And eat ice cream after they go to bed.)
- Lateness. Oh my gosh! Sorry I'm so behind, but I swear my kids move like they're trying to cross a peanut butter swamp wearing concrete boots. (It has nothing at all to do with the fact that I misplaced my keys and spilled coffee down my shirt.)
- Leaving early. As much as we would adore staying at your event for the entire duration, we need to get home in time for the afternoon nap. (Or doctor's appointment, or dance class, or anything else that will get us out of this thing I didn't want to come to in the first place.)
- Not buying anything at friends' parties. Gosh, I wish I could buy those overpriced clothes/body wraps/cooking utensils/weird supplements, but I just had to drop an obscene amount of cash on orthodontics and a basketball uniform. (I'll just look for similar stuff on Amazon. Big props for the yummy hors d'oeuvres, though!)
- Farts. Oh my! Somebody has a little gas today! (And that somebody happens to be me, but as long as this kid is in diapers, no one will ever know that.)
- Having a dirty house. Well, you know what they say: "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing." (That, and it's really hard to finish binge-watching the first season of This Is Us while you're cleaning.)
- Skipping out on an event. We'd love to come to your kid's birthday party, but my son was feeling a little warm earlier so I think I'd better keep him home. (Technically that's not a lie; I just won't mention that he only "felt a little warm" because he was wearing a sweatshirt he didn't need and ran around the living room 40 times.)
- Purchasing an excessive amount of cookies/candy. Sure, we'll buy a case of those Girl Scout cookies and a dozen of those huge candy bars! It's for a fundraiser, and we've got to support our kids! (And I'm going to need an emergency snack stash to hide in the closet with when they're driving me bonkers.)
- Playing with toys/watching kids' movies. Oh, my kids will just love this mega ultimate action playset! (I really want to play with it because it's super cool, but I'd look weird buying it for myself.)
- Exhaustion. Whew, these kids are just so tiring. Between rushing around to get things done after they go to bed, and getting up in the night and early in the morning with them, and taking care of all the things they need me to do, I just never feel rested. (Plus I may or may not scroll through my Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram feeds until four-hours-of-sleep o'clock.)
- Looking like complete and utter crap. I'm a mom. I'm tired. I'm harried. I don't have time to do my hair and makeup and have a fully styled, trendy outfit every day. (But seriously, these yoga pants are really comfy and I'm not feeling the whole "putting on a bra" thing at the moment, let alone any of the extras.)
- Slacking at . . . well, just about everything. Why haven't I started that garden yet? Oh, the kids have taken over that spot in the yard — they play out there all the time. Why did I skip the gym again? Oh, you know, the kids really needed my help with their homework. Why is the laundry still sitting in the basket three days after I removed it from the dryer? Because the kids just keep me so darn busy. (And, you know, other far less legitimate reasons. Such as "I didn't feel like it, yesterday or today or ever.")
OK, so my personal shortcomings may not exactly be my children's fault. But the way I see it, they do often throw the proverbial wrench into my best-laid plans, so I figure they owe me a couple of favors. And if that means, say, passing off my farts as theirs . . . it's not gonna hurt anyone.
Besides, I've got to have someone to blame for my flatulence when the dog isn't around.