If you live with your children's grandparents, expect them to be a surrogate parent of sorts, especially if they help with everyday care of your child. Occasionally, though, Grandmother may try to run the show more than you would like her to. Understand first that in many ways, Grandmother is given parental responsibilities and therefore most likely has a good opinion and knowledge of how your child is and what works with him or her. However, you are the mom first and foremost. How do you tell her when she should back off and when she shouldn't?
What to Do:
First, thank Grandmother for being so helpful and involved in the rearing of your kids. Acknowledge that she does more than the typical grandmother and that you are fortunate for her help. Second, consider her opinion. Is she right? Might she be adding two very worthy cents into the pile regarding the rearing of your kid? Third, if you decide she needs to butt out or silence her two cents, tell her nicely that you understand her role as a grandparent may be larger than most but that at the end of the day, you're the mother and you call the shots. If you find Grandmother does not respect your wishes ever, you may have to consider your living arrangement or simply require her to do less in order to have less to "owe" her, so to speak, as well as remind her that it's best for her to let the parent be in charge.
Extra tip? Have an open conversation with Grandmother about the areas in which you feel her opinion may be warranted — such as mealtime behavior or bedtime routines — or where her opinion is not warranted — such as religious practices, etc. Again, this all depends on each individual family and what you need or don't need as a mother.
Be sure during this conversation to ask Grandmother the topics on which she feels she should put her two cents in and also how she would like her role as grandparent and "co-parent" to proceed. Perhaps she doesn't want any responsibility at all. Perhaps she feels taken advantage of. You never know.
Lastly, remind her of what a good job she did with you or your partner depending on whose mother she is, and tell her to have faith in what you two are deciding to do in order to raise your children as you see fit.
Keep in mind that one day you will be a grandparent and will cherish and want time with your grandchildren as well. Try to be generous, loving, and grateful for the fact that your children have active grandparents. As a woman who grew up with no living grandparents, I wish so badly that I could have known them and had time with them. Don't sabotage your children's chances to enjoy time with grandparents who love them even if grandparents sometimes make bad or silly choices, as long as they're not hurtful.
