I Tried the New Brach's Turkey Dinner Candy Corn and (Barely) Lived to Tell the Tale
When it comes to food, I'm a try-anything-at-least-once, do-it-for-the-story type of person. So when Brach's debuted a new candy corn variety made to emulate the various components of a Thanksgiving turkey dinner, I saw it as a rousing call to action — a challenge just waiting to be accepted. I quickly got my hands on a bag to taste every cringe-worthy flavor on behalf of my fellow adventurous snackers (and, let's be real, because I've been wildly bored at home and in need of a cheap thrill).
Let me start by saying I'm not a fan of regular candy corn, and I by no means have an iron-clad stomach, so I knew I was setting myself up for a gag-filled disaster. But alas, with a palate-cleansing glass of water on hand and my roommates nearby for emotional support, I dove into a bag of the Thanksgiving-inspired candies, which the Walgreens team graciously sent my way. As soon as I ripped it open, an overwhelming stench filled my apartment, threatening to singe my nose hairs. It was reminiscent of those intense caramel-scented candles that fall shoppers sniff-test in passing but never dare add to their cart because they're too nauseatingly sweet. You know the ones.
Included in the bag was a mixture of six distinct flavors that correspond to different Thanksgiving dishes — roasted turkey, cranberry sauce, ginger glazed carrot, sweet potato pie, stuffing, and green beans — and I placed one of each on my table as if lined up like criminals awaiting mugshots. Some weren't entirely despicable, but others were downright un-swallowable, with two flavors in particular breaching borderline illegal territory. If you're considering scooping up a bag to try for the hell of it, do your taste buds a favor and first read my flavor-by-flavor breakdown ahead so you know what you're getting yourself into. I've ordered them from the most to least tolerable to really build up the suspense, naturally. I suggest keeping a trash bin close by.
Don't let the bag's cozy fall foliage theme trick you into thinking this is an enjoyable treat you'll want to casually toss back by the fistful while sitting in a park. The plastic packet contains tiny morsels that serve as a poison to the taste buds, a juggernaut for the gag reflex, and an assault to the nostrils. I'm not exaggerating when I say that even looking at a picture of the packaging sends shivers down my spine and triggers that weird sensation you get in your jaw before throwing up.
The Nutrition Facts
As one may expect, Brach's turkey dinner candy corn is positively packed with sugar — just 15 pieces contain a whopping 23 grams of the sweet stuff (aka 46 freakin' percent of your daily recommended value). For reference, a giant bowl of Froot Loops cereal contains 12 grams of sugar, so . . . there's that!
The Cranberry Sauce Flavor
As previously mentioned, I'm starting off this deep dive with the least offensive flavor: cranberry sauce. It reminded me of a raspberry White Claw, and I actually snacked on a few additional pieces because I genuinely didn't mind the fruity taste. Reach for the red ones if you need a mid-taste-test cleanse.
The Sweet Potato Pie Flavor
This one is manageable if you don't mind overly sweet treats. It pretty much just tasted like a sugar cube, with some subtle cinnamon notes coming out the longer I chewed it. I felt the need to brush my teeth immediately after swallowing it.
The Ginger Glazed Carrot Flavor
The ginger flavor practically jumped out and smacked me in the face when this one hit my tongue. There were absolutely no traces of any carrot flavoring, which was probably for the best. I didn't despise it, but I also didn't go back for seconds.
The Green Beans Flavor
Buckle up, folks, 'cause this is where things really start to take a turn. I actually kicked off my taste test with the green beans flavor, and my god, I couldn't run to the trash can fast enough. It tasted like someone smushed my mouth into a patch of waxy, dirty grass. Because I'm not a quitter, I actually tried a second piece, but it also wound up in the garbage because I simply couldn't get it down. Let the putrid green color serve as a warning.
The Stuffing Flavor
My stomach is churning just thinking about this vile, hellish creation. I jotted down notes during my taste test just to keep everything organized, and all I could muster for the stuffing flavor was a scribbled, all-caps "NO." Stuffing is my all-time favorite Thanksgiving side dish, so this one felt like a personal attack — and tasted like straight-up sewage.
The Roasted Turkey Flavor
Rightfully bringing up the rear as the most atrocious offering in the entire bag, we have the roasted turkey flavor. I kid you not — my teeth chomped down on this piece just one time before I gagged and had to spit it out. My eyes began watering, my lunch almost came back up, and I had full-body chills because my body had no idea how else to react to such a horrid substance. Reminiscent of dog food mixed with dog feces, this flavor should be outlawed in all 50 states. Consider yourself warned.